A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.

Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.

She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.

Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.

My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Blended Bright Colors

 Looking through the window of glass
 I see greens, yellows, reds and browns
Blended between 
The clear drops of tears
Or is it just rain upon the window pain, 
Unsure you see; of the grey between
 Reality and fantasy
Even within the clouds of grey
White puffs of pansies 
In forms of prisms
Peek through the caves of mountains 
Masquerading as
Clouds of hope upon
The top of actual tear drops
Are the colors she sees; a picture of reality
Or does the green, yellow, red and brown
Represent the fall that's all around 
As this season comes to pass
The blended colors of the fall, transfigure
Into light puffs of white prisms, pretending to be 
Gentle, sweet and ever so perfectly neat
 Unique needles coming down all around
Form dimensions of actual reality 
Which paint pretty pictures
 Of three dimensional actors 
The placement of each prism
Like strings on a puppet, each play their part
Know their lines and have perfectly perfected
The layer upon the snow in which they lie
Layer upon layer, the stellar dendrites add 
Each to another, when at last all around 
Green, yellow red and brown
Fade from memory, and fall to the ground
Sinking into the cycle; that is life
Forgotten colors in bright perfect pictures
Surpassed by whiteness that pretends to be snow
And has convoluted layers; only the soul's
 Microscope can see
Whether or not it's her reality. 

Thursday, October 6, 2016

The Gems of my Soul....

It's been a little while since I've updated the blog, and much has happened in the time since then. the last time I update was February of this year, can't believe I haven't written anything in that long! No wonder so much is on my mind today, as I put fingers to keyboard!  So I'll Summarize:

March- Our sweet Little Princess LillyRose turned the big 5!!!! There are moments in time, that I still can't believe that she's my little girl, and even more so, that she's now a Kindergartner! She is learning to read, and can write her letters, and is well behaved in school! I just came from her Parent/Teacher Conference this morning, and her Teacher Miss Labrum, is absolutely amazing! So compassionate, understanding and loving towards LillyRose! We are so blessed this year!

April- The hardest month of all, a month that shook me to my very core. My sweet "nephew" Antonio left this mortal Earth, and lost his battle with Depression and took his own life. Even writing those words now, is hard. There is such stigma associated with his passing, and I refuse not to acknowledge the "elephant in my heart," because how he passed away is as crucial as the fact that he's not with us anymore. Rushing home to Washington to be with my Cousin, my physical body and spirit ached. I couldn't get to her fast enough in my mind. Time was moving in slow motion, and in many ways, still is. Her and I, are more like sisters than cousins, and watching her go through the pain of losing her child, broke/brakes my heart in many ways.  As I watch her go through the hardest time of her life, I see her strength, her weakness, and willingness to do so, and her resilience. She makes me be a better woman, mama and friend. I've always looked up to her, and I do even more so now. In her brokenness, she has shown an incredible amount of tenacity, in her trial.

May & June- This was a really busy month for our Family! Cameron was graduating from his Funeral Directing Degree at Salt Lake Community College and was deciding how to proceed with his education! It was a time of feeling anxious, unsure and unstable! Those feelings alone, are hard to deal with, and uncomfortable! We decided to go with University of Utah, because moving our whole family by June to Logan and going to University of Utah seemed unachievable, however, that is what we really wanted to do! However, we choose the other path, and went to UVU. Cameron started Summer classes in May, and from the very beginning, I could see how unhappy he was with how things with school were going. He was driving an hour each way to night classes, then working almost full time at Target, coming home at 11pm at night after classes ended at 10pm. I could see how tired he was becoming, and how much he was struggling. Cameron had worked and went to school for Three years straight, including summers, without any breaks in between! Finally, after a trip to the Emergency Room for a Fainting episode, we made the decision (and an inspired one at that) to take a summer break from school, and have Cameron just work over the summer! It took much stress off of him, and we were lead to USU in Logan through that choice. Cameron worked his Soul off at Target, and earned enough money to move us into a cute little home in Smithfield, and was to start classes at the end of August!

July- The month of July just flew by so quickly! Abraham celebrated his 4th Birthday on the 13th! He is such an energetic, happy, and shy little boy (unless you know him!) We had his Birthday Party at the local Splash Pad, and there was such a good turn out of friends and family and it made his whole month to have his "big" cousins there, he got such a kick out of it! We had such a good "summer" month in July! Though we were packing up our home, living out of boxes, cleaning, and trying our best to transmission our children from a Home, Ward and Friends they had known their whole lives, we knew we had done what we were meant to! Everything just happened so quickly, and how it all "happenstance" together, was just a confirmation to me that it was the path we were to follow! My heart ached during this month, a little more each day, the closer we got to leaving. We had gained friends who were like family in our church ward, neighborhood and schools! I was depressed that we were leaving them "behind!" I was afraid of losing the amazing support system that had enveloped me in love, encouragement and true support! I was afraid of leaving behind a Bishop (Church Leader) who I had learned to trust, and depend upon to guide our family. People in our Ward, new exactly what we had been through, loved us anyways, didn't judge us and accepted us for who we were! How was I ever going to find that again?! I was extremely sad, excited and nervous all at the same time! And saying "goodbye" to all of that did break my heart.

August- The big change! The month that changed our whole lives! We couldn't be more excited that we found such a beautiful, charming little house, in a small town, close to the University, that was lower in cost than our apartment! Not to mention; our landlords were understanding, caring and worked with our circumstances! It was small things like all of these, that confirmed, we had made the right choices! We moved in and got the house settled fairly quickly, the kids and Cameron enrolled in their respective Schools, and before I knew it, September was upon us, then October!

September- A month full of waking up early, getting kids to bed early, getting kids off to school, doing homework, making new friends: In general, it was a month of learning the routines of school, getting to know our new ward members, making new acquaintances and friends, and dealing with all the weird changes that moving comes with! We are still feeling the "weirdness" of those changes. The kids will still ask to go "home" and I will have to remind them that "this" is our home now. They will often ask to go to Charlie & Alices House, or ask if Aabel and Anthoni can come and play. They speak of those they love often, and how much they miss them. They too, made some really close friends, lifelong friends. Before I knew it, the leaves started to Fall, the air was more crisp than usual, and the word "snow" was being thrown around! Snow in October! What in the world!

And we're CURRENT! Internally Laughing at myself for not writing all this time!

This month is bringing a Rainbow Girl, Ninja Skeleton, Red Crayon and a shooting Star! All of us are excited for Fall, Halloween, Pumpkins, Hot Chocolate, Cozy Fires (In our beautiful Wood Stove) and cuddling as a family watching movies together! Fall is my Favorite Season of the Year, and October is also representative of six months since my sweet Antonio went to the other side, where my eyes won't see him again for many years, but my heart feels his presence all the time. Life has passed by quickly in these last six months, and at times, too quickly. Grieving, while trying to still live, be a mom, wife and friend to my cousin was challenging. I thought that maybe my grief shouldn't be that big of a deal- He wasn't "my son," so why was it so hard, and why did I feel the sadness I did? Often times, I hid my sadness, grief and anger from those around me, but deep down inside, it was there, I was thinking about Antonio's choice, and battle with depression. Why was his life taken, why was he so Young, Why, Why, Why....

Those were the internal thoughts, I often wrestled with, taking my questions to my Father in Heaven and feeling Anger towards him, and wondering how could this be his will? How could he know this would happen and yet not prevent anything from happening. How could I know what would happen and not prevent it from Happening? I love Antonio, I'll never forget his birth, the night she brought him home and I was staying with her. I held his big butt newborn self, and at that very moment in my 16 year old mind, said my most honest and fervent prayer: "Please let me have something this perfect, let me be a good mom to something this perfect and let me feel the same Joy I feel holding this perfect little boy, with my own perfect little baby." It was a prayer of a Young Girl, who didn't come from a perfect family, who came from a broken family, who wanted a perfect Love, and I found that "revelation" in holding Antonio, in the dim light of a basement Apartment of my cousin's. From the moment he was born, Tonio, held a sliver of his older cousins heart he never knew about, and now that he's gone, I wish I would have told him so.

So, this month, my favorite month of the year, I took my sadness, and lived. I went Camping, sat in front of a fire late at night, stared at the stars and thought of the life Antonio should be living. I thought about the depth of Soul. What Soul (Spirit) is, and what does my own tell me to be, do and say? I lived for him. I touched the hearts of my precious children, and remembered all those years ago, the prayer a young girl said, while holding his precious soul next to my heart. God gave me those precious children I asked for, The unconditional Love I wanted in a child of my own. The promise I made then, to be the best mom I could, to whatever Child God gave me. Antonio, and No one, actually knew, that moment between my God, a little baby boy and me happened all those years ago, and that's why losing Antonio feels so hard for me. God answered my prayer in his timing, trusted me with HIS child, and knows the allotted time on earth, and how much I'll be with HIS child. However, I sure am grateful, for that night with Tonio's sweet baby self, because holding him, helped me hold my own kids so much better now. Tonio didn't even know all the gifts he gave others around him, he was an amazing kid. Every month since is death, I choose to live, and touch the hearts of my children, and others in honor and memory of him and it helps me cope with feelings that I don't understand all the time.

Thanks for taking the time to read, it's a lost art these days.