A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.

Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.

She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.

Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.

My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Can I have Ice Cream for breakfast?

"Motherhood is by far, one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences I've ever had." I know I've heard this line more times than I can count, uttered by various females throughout the history of my life, however, until I became a parent to children of my own, I didn't really grasp the reality of this statement. Motherhood is precious, beautiful and eternal. It's a privilege to nurture, protect and love my children. I've always wanted to be a mom, and my  intense desire to do so, seemed impossible after several miscarriages and diagnoses from specialists that I would never be able to carry a baby to full term. Beyond my closest family and friends, many don't know the struggles I faced prior to the birth of my daughter and son. I assumed, now that I have beautiful children, that my heart wouldn't ache for the loss I experienced in my "past." I guess I had just "forgotten" how painful going through all of that had been and last month, my Father in Heaven sent a reminder of that scar.

When does being a "mother" begin? When does a woman start to love the child she just learned was within her? When does the desire to dream about that child's life start? When does she wonder if it's a boy or a girl? For this woman, it started with those little pink lines. The thoughts start to race by about all the possibilities of what may become of that little life within your body.

When those possibilities are shattered, and that life within you dies, it takes a little piece of yourself with it to the other side of Heaven, and your left behind on earth, wondering what life "would of" been like had you not lost your dream. After years of losing my dream, I succumbed to "reality" of life that I just wasn't meant to have a child of my own "blood," but I knew I would have children that my heart loved just as much anyway, so I decided that I needed to let that dream go.

Then I joined this church. I met this man. We fell in love. And I had to tell him I'd never be able to give him a child of his own "blood." This wonderful man said to me: "All my children will be "CHOICE" children." Meaning, he knew he would adopt children some day. Imagine the anxiety, fear and hope I felt the first time I got pregnant right after we were married.

All those questions came back. I pushed them away, NO, not this time, I won't get attached to a baby that I will never hold. I warned my ecstatic husband, so full of HOPE and excitement not to love this child yet, not to DREAM yet. Then, a missionary came and gave me a blessing. As he laid his hands upon my head and used his priesthood to speak the words of God, for the first time ever, I knew my child would come to earth, and I would hold it within my own arms. Even though I heard the still small voice whisper in my ear, the truthfulness of my dreams coming true, I found myself doubting a long the way. What if something happened? What if I didn't hear what I thought I heard? Or what if the feelings I felt were a lie, and my dream died again? Even my own family couldn't be excited for us, because they too had experienced all that pain with me, they went through it all with me, and felt all that loss with me. They had walked with me in my "past." My husband kept me hopeful, and faithful for our child, our little baby girl.

I'll never forget, the first time I felt her move. I was talking on the phone with my dad, and I was laying in bed, and she started kicking me hard, her little feet saying to me, "I'm here mama, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." I had to hang up with my dad and cry, because I knew I had "heard" her voice from heaven and I could no longer doubt her arrival. Was it easy to bring her  to earth on my own physical body? No. But it was worth every single thing I went through, because when she says to me at night time, "I missed you while I was at school today mom," it makes my heart increase with love for this little person before me.

Imagine my surprise when eight months later, I find out I'm pregnant again. I'll never forget, after I missed my monthly cycle, having a nagging feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I thought to myself, "NO WAY" I'm on birth control and nursing my little girl, I CANT be pregnant already! I can't go through that scary ordeal AGAIN! I remember seeing those two blues lines and bursting into tears, my husband is once again ecstatic at the expectant arrival of another child, and deep down the only thing I can think of is: The doctor said not to get pregnant for at least five years. My body hadn't even had time to recover yet, I was still nursing. To say the least, I was terrified to DREAM at all this time. There was NO WAY, that this second baby would actually come to fill my arms and rest upon my breasts. Even after having experienced a miracle in my little girl, I once again doubted the power of Heavenly Father's will for my life.

The day I found out I was having a boy, was the day that I found hope in the dream of my second child. He was worth everything I went through all over again, the moment I felt his skin upon my cheek, I knew it was worth everything my body endured. However, the pressure from my dad about not having anymore children weighed heavy on my mind and heart. I knew I needed to be around to raise them and let my body heal, so with prayer and his pleadings, I tied my tubes and knew my son would be the last baby my body would ever bear. As my doctor asked me the question as I lay on the table cut open after delivering my son, I cried. Even after having two beautiful children, I felt like I was losing something so important. I felt I had lost so much already.  Those children, that I loved and never held has placed so much weight in my heart, and though I've healed most of the way from their loss, every now and then, I'm reminded of that pain I felt so long ago before my life in Christ began.

The gift I've been given, it's an adventure I've begged to have. But it's also a scary one. What if I mess up? What if it's hard? What if I doubt my abilities? What if I get to tired? What if? What if? What if? There are a million what if's. This adventure called motherhood is difficult, and it's supposed to be. Every choice you make has consequences. Is it okay to give ice cream for breakfast? :)  Are they getting enough vegetables?  Does ketchup count as a fruit if they eat chicken nuggets with it? Did I raise my voice too loud, too often today? How many times did I tell them NO today, versus yes? Do I give them enough room to be creative? Am I breaking the cycle of my own family? Is he too young to watch ninja turtles? Will they choose Christ when they are older? Did I give them choices? How will we pay for college? Will I ever go to the bathroom alone again?

I want and accept every challenge and blessing that comes with motherhood. Some times, I struggle more than other times, and that's okay. When I examine that layers that Starr is made of, I am giving my children the best mom I can. And when scars begin to ache, I feel that ache for a moment, and remember the love I had for my children that I haven't held yet, and know that God will help me understand it all when I meet him, I know that he helps me every single day with my children.

Speaking of children, I have one trying to wrestle me right now. -Starr