A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.

Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.

She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.

Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.

My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Live Free

What do you want? The ultimate question of life. Sometimes when I dream, I feel like I know the answer to this more than when I am awake. I would much rather dream my life away than actually live it sometimes. It feels easier that way, but I know at the same time, it's not reality. If I am being really honest, it's fear that prevents me from being real. Fear of hurting others,  fear of being hurt and fear of not getting what I want. I just don't know that I can really get what I want yet. Nor do I always believe in the blessings that are in store for me.  I wish I did believe in my dreams still. I use to be so full of faith. I believed in my dreams coming true. I believed in life being filled with goodness. I don't know when I decided to stop believing in the possibilities of life. Was I taught this? I used to think that I escaped that line of thinking, and that I was one of the strongest women I knew. I believed in my own strength, abilities, and power. I used to glance in the mirror and see beauty every time I looked at myself. I believed in myself more than I doubted. Why? The question of a lifetime. I actually used to think that I was rare, and unique. Somehow, I possessed qualities that no other female on earth could compete with. I knew what I wanted and who I was. When did I lose belief in my "Starrness?" I couldn't pin point one main event that tore me down, rather several life experiences that slowly deteriorated my sense of self belief. People that know me, always tell me how strong I am, and frankly I knew this about myself a long time ago. Today, I just don't see my own strength. I want to see if for myself, not see myself through other people. I guess it doesn't matter what happened that tore me down, and I should focus on the here and now, yet somehow I feel that unless I address the pain in regards to the deterioration of my belief in who I am, I won't be able to grow further than I have ever done so. I was taught to limit myself in life. So that's what I've done in my own life and in the lives of those I love. The pain I've felt has certainly taught me what I don't want, but I also feel like it hasn't changed the fact that I keep creating the things in my life that I don't want. I want to be courageous with my thoughts. I wish I could think something good and just know that it will become. I believed in "a reason for everything" in life, and now I just feel cheated by life. I've been cheated on, beat on and drowned in an emotional sea of invisible chains of suppression, all while trying to keep a smile on my face my entire life. I would keep getting knocked down and keep getting back up, and then I was knocked down and felt like I just couldn't get back up. If life was going to knock me down that hard, I was just going to TKO, and stay hidden from life so it couldn't hit me again. And even though I was down, life knocked at my door once again and I felt like that's where I was meant to be. I just lost my fight for life. The zeal that once filled my soul for living life, just felt like it was completely knocked out of me. If you really knew me, you'd you know how hard it is for me to even admit this about myself. You can only hide so long from yourself, and really it's not about what anyone else thinks. Funny, because I used to say whatever I wanted and didn't care what people thought, many things have changed in my life and that's one of them. Even after life knocked me down while I was already on the floor, I still want to search within myself and find out how I can grow from all this, and that fact is what reminded me of who I am. I can say that I am tired of feeling pain. I am tired of life metaphorically crapping on me. Yet, at he same time, I am tired of creating this for myself. I make my own choices in life and I live with those choices. I regret some, and others, I wouldn't change for anything. Guess, I have some more to make the older I get. I would do anything for anyone I loved to help them reach their own happiness, however, when I think about my own happiness, it's always on a back burner. It's like I don't know how to reach my own sense of happiness. I suppose I learned this too. I give love to so many people I care about, yet, I cannot seem to look myself in the mirror and give myself even half of what I would give someone I love. Wow..... What is wrong with me? Once again, What do I want? I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be beautiful. I want to be a good mother. I want to be respected. I want to be kind. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want all the good things life has to give.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Legacy of Motherhood

 After giving birth to both of my children I realized how much time, energy and commitment motherhood was going to be. For most of my life I didn't think that I would be able to have children because of my kidney disease and I had come to accept this "fact" that doctors repeated to me more times than I can remember. I have fantasized about motherhood and what it would look like to be holding a child within my arms, singing to them at bed time and lovingly looking into their eyes as they call me mommy. My fantasy has become reality and my heart can barely believe sometimes that I have two beautiful children that came from my own womb. I feel incredibly blessed to look into the eyes of my children and see myself. Even with all of these feelings, at times I still often question my choice to stay at home with my children, and I often wonder if the work I do even matters sometimes.
I wake up each morning and feel as though the routine of the day will encompass me in frustration. I have been through many things in my life and I know that raising my children in righteousness is one of the most difficult. In a world where my values are ridiculed and women my age are enjoying careers and increasing their monetary value, I am cleaning poop off the floor, breaking up arguments and feeding two children every hour. The important role I play in the lives of my children often times overwhelms me. I know how important my job as a mother is. I know that the outlook they have on life comes from me, and the environment I choose to put them in, and I can only hope the choices I make regarding my children will give them a fighting chance in this crazy world today. With all of that being said, it still overwhelms me. I wish I had some perfect knowledge of how to be the perfect mom that you see in the books and all put together at the store; but in reality I am far from being book friendly and my children constantly fight whenever I take them grocery shopping. There are times where I feel more of a referee than anything. Actually, I feel like a referee, maid, cook, boo-boo kisser, and monster fighter. Along with a long list of many other titles, I often times don't feel fit to fulfill. I wish I was this person who was uplifted at all times, and in all things, no matter what the situation was, but in reality I feel like some days I'm just trying to make it through breakfast without feeling like I don't even want the day to begin. Waking up feeling like the duties that you set out to accomplish that day don't even matter feels depressing, and often times I force myself to think a different way and I look at my children and remember that this too shall pass, and as many empty nesters have told me, I will miss it. But for now. It's driving me nuts some days. However, today I was reminded that the work of a righteous mother is more important than any other work that can be done. I was also reminded that in order for me to do this work that I truly need to take care of my physical and spiritual well being. I am responsible for myself and for my children. I love them with all my heart and I can pray and work hard to help them along this mortal journey to become the best selves they can. God is always with me and helping me and I believe that with all my heart, and as long as I keep my heart focused on being one with him then all the other stuff I worry about will fall away.