A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.


Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.


She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.


Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.


My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Live Free

What do you want? The ultimate question of life. Sometimes when I dream, I feel like I know the answer to this more than when I am awake. I would much rather dream my life away than actually live it sometimes. It feels easier that way, but I know at the same time, it's not reality. If I am being really honest, it's fear that prevents me from being real. Fear of hurting others,  fear of being hurt and fear of not getting what I want. I just don't know that I can really get what I want yet. Nor do I always believe in the blessings that are in store for me.  I wish I did believe in my dreams still. I use to be so full of faith. I believed in my dreams coming true. I believed in life being filled with goodness. I don't know when I decided to stop believing in the possibilities of life. Was I taught this? I used to think that I escaped that line of thinking, and that I was one of the strongest women I knew. I believed in my own strength, abilities, and power. I used to glance in the mirror and see beauty every time I looked at myself. I believed in myself more than I doubted. Why? The question of a lifetime. I actually used to think that I was rare, and unique. Somehow, I possessed qualities that no other female on earth could compete with. I knew what I wanted and who I was. When did I lose belief in my "Starrness?" I couldn't pin point one main event that tore me down, rather several life experiences that slowly deteriorated my sense of self belief. People that know me, always tell me how strong I am, and frankly I knew this about myself a long time ago. Today, I just don't see my own strength. I want to see if for myself, not see myself through other people. I guess it doesn't matter what happened that tore me down, and I should focus on the here and now, yet somehow I feel that unless I address the pain in regards to the deterioration of my belief in who I am, I won't be able to grow further than I have ever done so. I was taught to limit myself in life. So that's what I've done in my own life and in the lives of those I love. The pain I've felt has certainly taught me what I don't want, but I also feel like it hasn't changed the fact that I keep creating the things in my life that I don't want. I want to be courageous with my thoughts. I wish I could think something good and just know that it will become. I believed in "a reason for everything" in life, and now I just feel cheated by life. I've been cheated on, beat on and drowned in an emotional sea of invisible chains of suppression, all while trying to keep a smile on my face my entire life. I would keep getting knocked down and keep getting back up, and then I was knocked down and felt like I just couldn't get back up. If life was going to knock me down that hard, I was just going to TKO, and stay hidden from life so it couldn't hit me again. And even though I was down, life knocked at my door once again and I felt like that's where I was meant to be. I just lost my fight for life. The zeal that once filled my soul for living life, just felt like it was completely knocked out of me. If you really knew me, you'd you know how hard it is for me to even admit this about myself. You can only hide so long from yourself, and really it's not about what anyone else thinks. Funny, because I used to say whatever I wanted and didn't care what people thought, many things have changed in my life and that's one of them. Even after life knocked me down while I was already on the floor, I still want to search within myself and find out how I can grow from all this, and that fact is what reminded me of who I am. I can say that I am tired of feeling pain. I am tired of life metaphorically crapping on me. Yet, at he same time, I am tired of creating this for myself. I make my own choices in life and I live with those choices. I regret some, and others, I wouldn't change for anything. Guess, I have some more to make the older I get. I would do anything for anyone I loved to help them reach their own happiness, however, when I think about my own happiness, it's always on a back burner. It's like I don't know how to reach my own sense of happiness. I suppose I learned this too. I give love to so many people I care about, yet, I cannot seem to look myself in the mirror and give myself even half of what I would give someone I love. Wow..... What is wrong with me? Once again, What do I want? I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be beautiful. I want to be a good mother. I want to be respected. I want to be kind. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want all the good things life has to give.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Legacy of Motherhood

 After giving birth to both of my children I realized how much time, energy and commitment motherhood was going to be. For most of my life I didn't think that I would be able to have children because of my kidney disease and I had come to accept this "fact" that doctors repeated to me more times than I can remember. I have fantasized about motherhood and what it would look like to be holding a child within my arms, singing to them at bed time and lovingly looking into their eyes as they call me mommy. My fantasy has become reality and my heart can barely believe sometimes that I have two beautiful children that came from my own womb. I feel incredibly blessed to look into the eyes of my children and see myself. Even with all of these feelings, at times I still often question my choice to stay at home with my children, and I often wonder if the work I do even matters sometimes.
I wake up each morning and feel as though the routine of the day will encompass me in frustration. I have been through many things in my life and I know that raising my children in righteousness is one of the most difficult. In a world where my values are ridiculed and women my age are enjoying careers and increasing their monetary value, I am cleaning poop off the floor, breaking up arguments and feeding two children every hour. The important role I play in the lives of my children often times overwhelms me. I know how important my job as a mother is. I know that the outlook they have on life comes from me, and the environment I choose to put them in, and I can only hope the choices I make regarding my children will give them a fighting chance in this crazy world today. With all of that being said, it still overwhelms me. I wish I had some perfect knowledge of how to be the perfect mom that you see in the books and all put together at the store; but in reality I am far from being book friendly and my children constantly fight whenever I take them grocery shopping. There are times where I feel more of a referee than anything. Actually, I feel like a referee, maid, cook, boo-boo kisser, and monster fighter. Along with a long list of many other titles, I often times don't feel fit to fulfill. I wish I was this person who was uplifted at all times, and in all things, no matter what the situation was, but in reality I feel like some days I'm just trying to make it through breakfast without feeling like I don't even want the day to begin. Waking up feeling like the duties that you set out to accomplish that day don't even matter feels depressing, and often times I force myself to think a different way and I look at my children and remember that this too shall pass, and as many empty nesters have told me, I will miss it. But for now. It's driving me nuts some days. However, today I was reminded that the work of a righteous mother is more important than any other work that can be done. I was also reminded that in order for me to do this work that I truly need to take care of my physical and spiritual well being. I am responsible for myself and for my children. I love them with all my heart and I can pray and work hard to help them along this mortal journey to become the best selves they can. God is always with me and helping me and I believe that with all my heart, and as long as I keep my heart focused on being one with him then all the other stuff I worry about will fall away.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Learning to Let Go

If there is one thing in my life that I truly struggle with it's the ability to let go of certain emotions or feelings. I know it's better for my emotional and spiritual health when I do let go, however, I know that I've been trained to hold on to "things." These "things" can be emotional weight, spiritual weight, or even physical weight. What is it really to be in control? To control your life? To control your emotions? To control others? We may try to control as much as we can, however the older I get the more I realize that control is just a false sense of reality. However, at times that false sense of reality feels comfortable. It's what I'm used to. It's what I grew up with. Letting go requires one's self to take the plunge into the unknown and trust in nothingness. To trust in nothingness is somewhat normal to me, but to actually know that it's not a person, place or thing but an awareness of inner strength, God's voice, or the Universe's light is so SCARY to me. It means that I have to trust in something I know is true but find hard to always comprehend. For a couple days I've felt saddened at certain things around me and trying to maintain a positive mindset, is so hard when your feeling such an overwhelming sense of wanting to control the situation. BUT, the reality of controlling this particular situation is just crazy. It's not reality, it's madness and I just don't do well with that, I run away from it, even if it's coming from within. (By now, I am sure that I make absolutely no sense what so ever, but most of my writing is self therapy so if your with me, hallelujah, if not....well you might be a control freak yourself. ;)
But how can you run away from yourself? You can't. It's impossible, eventually the real you will always show up somewhere, some how and usually in the "best" of situations if you know what I mean. (Totally being sarcastic here.) Letting go of all the pressure to be who other people think you should be just easy, right? It doesn't feel that way for me. I wish I could write the way I used to. So freely, but I have learned that sometimes refraining from always expressing and sharing what you feel doesn't always help the situation and in this situation, I just don't think it would provide the clarity I need. I don't know. Right now, most of me is running away. The other part of me is being who I have to be. And the real me is stuck somewhere in the middle; Not wanting to run away but also not wanting to hide who I really am based on how other's might respond to my actions. My heart is torn in a few different directions and I am not entirely even sure why, okay maybe I KNOW why but I don't want to admit why. Life is about learning what we can and returning to where we came from, with our Father in Heaven and all that he has for us.
When will I realize that I am good enough to be who I want to be without worrying about other people? I don't know. One day it will be easy. At least that what I hear. lol.
It's okay to Love me, Starr.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Love

Love. How do we know we have felt it, and when do we know to give it. I have felt true love a few times in my life. The truest form of Love I have ever felt comes from God. His presence in my life has given me an abundance of clarity and happiness. When I was younger I used to be more willing to accept love, and to believe in it. Life, over time gradually created this shell around my heart, and the more hurt I experienced, the more closed off my heart became. Over time I realized that my ability to recognize love in my life, started to diminish. It wasn't until I reconnected with God, that my heart began to heal from all the anger, pain and resentment I felt at the hurt that I'd experienced through life on earth. What amazes me most about this revelation in my life is this: those that have a direct and passionate relationship with God are those that I find the most comfort in. I find comfort in their likeness to God's characteristics, and I find happiness in the willingness they have to give freely of their own love, just for the sake of loving someone. I have been blessed many times in my recent life to experience this type of love. On so many levels I feel as though I have been given more love than I have the ability to duplicate. However, at the same I know that my relationship with God is firm, and spending time in his presence allows me to fully realize the potential I have to become more and more like him. Because of this realization I am aware that the love I give is from the purest place of my heart, and that it comes from God and his energy and I understand that it's okay to actually feel love without expectation. My heart and mind cannot stop thinking about this love that I have been given. It has without a doubt changed my perspective about life, and what my purpose is. It has helped me find new ways to find happiness. It has given me a renewed sense of hope. God's love can be felt if we allow ourselves to feel worthy enough to receive of that love wherever we may find it. Sometimes, I have found that I don't feel good enough to receive pure love. Who am I to really be loved this way. Who am I to feel this happy? Who am I to NOT feel this way though? I am created of God and his creation is in me and therefore I am worthy of feeling happy, and being loved. So often when I experience something new, and it feels good, it scares me. Seriously. Maybe, I am the only person that has ever felt that way? I tend to run away from good things in my life because I am not used to feeling that way. I am learning to just allow it in my life, without running away from experiencing happiness and God's love. More difficult to do than I thought it would be actually. Also, I am learning that just because the world will hurt me doesn't mean that I have to stop allowing God's love into my life, nor do I have to halt the happiness I've created based solely on the hardships my heart has faced past or present. Even, as I type this though, I know that allowing this to become reality is more difficult that it seems, or is it? I've always felt that I was quite a complicated person, maybe I need to learn to simplify? I've learned about Love this week, and I feel happier because of it. And I am trying to let that happiness become a permanent part of my life. I am grateful for love, and God's decision to create us to give and receive love. Food for though ya'll. ;) Light and Love, Starr

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Consistenly Following Through with my LIFE.

If there is one thing in my life that I haven't quite mastered. It's the ability to follow through with important matters in my personal life in regards to taking care of my own physical, emotional and mental health. I know this stems from my childhood and feeling the need to take care of my mom, dad, and siblings. I've always had this very nurturing spirit, that thinks the needs of others are far more important that my own. This in a way has blessed me many times as I have seen my loved one's grow because of my love and selfless service to them. However, I have also seen it hinder my own growth as well as my loved one's growth.

The obesity card in my family isn't really recognized by many people in my family, as if not talking about our weight, or making fun of ourselves along the way somehow creates our weight issues as being "non-factors." However, many family members also struggle with many health problems that I am sure would be eased with at least some degree of awareness and mindfulness in regards to maintaining a somewhat healthy weight. In many ways, I learned to live in denial about my weight or punish myself (mentally) for being overweight. I feel there is an overwhelming amount of shame in relation to our weight. Also, I truly believe our weight issues stem from using food as a drug to cope with emotional, physical or sexual abuse that has occurred within our family. I am just not willing to live in this mindset any longer. The fact that my Aunt died from heart disease in her 40's on my dad's side, My grandmother died of lung cancer in her 60's and my Aunt on my mom's side died of lung cancer in her 50's; All these facts remind me of the path I want to take for the sake of my children. And Myself. I matter. My health matters. My life Matters. I am important too.

Often times I find myself saying things that I don't follow through with, on a day to day basis, or week to week basis when it comes to taking care of myself physically. I want that to change. I am changing. And the process is a slow one and I happen to be very impatient with it. Life happens and when stress arises, I turn to things that are unhealthy for me. I have learned and programmed all these years to live in an unhealthy manner with many things in my life and I am finally finding the courage to work through things that hurt, both physically and emotionally. I have realized that until I do these things, I cannot truly find ultimate happiness if I don't focus on what makes me feel happy, and true happiness for me has been found when I am living a life that is healthy, whole and balanced.

How am I going to learn to follow through, and really learn how to take care of Starr? I don't know, and that's just the honest truth of it. But I have been investing in myself for a while now and I am sure that my Father in Heaven will find a way to support me in this good venture of life. I know that my happiness matters to him, and that he will help me find the good things in my life. My thoughts give my actions power and I hope that eventually my thoughts will always generate a perspective in my life that creates results that reflect the type of women I want to be. Writing has always been a therapeutic activity for me, and today is not different.

I am so blessed to have a husband, and dad that see me as a beautiful woman. They encourage me and remind me that I live in a shell, but the real me is the spirit that is within me. And our earth life is about learning how to be close to the spirit within. I am grateful for these men that value me, my life and how I feel about it. I am also grateful for women who have shown me a better way to live and support me no matter what choices I make in life.

Light and Love,
Starr

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

My Plexus Journey!!!!

If anyone has known me for any amount of time, they know how much I struggle with my weight. It has been a battle my whole life, even though my mom and dad tell me that I used to be "as skinny as a pole," that was when I was like seven!!! All of my teenage years I battled with my weight, into my 20's and now into my 30's I still continue to battle with my weight, I haven't really ever tried any particular "Diet Product" Though when I was young I did drink slim fast for one meal, but then by dinner I was chomping on a cheeseburger! I try to laugh about this but I was teased about it when it first happened and was scared for life from it, because I felt like I shouldn't try at all even though I was just a teen who was truly struggling with weight issues. Today I start my Plexus Journey! Learn About Plexus Here

In 2010 I met a wonderful woman name De'Anna Nunez who transformed my thoughts about how I viewed myself, my body and my abilities to accomplish weight loss. I continue to gain insight from her and all of my girlfriends with Mind Body Fit Club. (Get To Know De'Anna )
Because of this group I met an awesome lady name Toni, and she introduced me to this product she was trying out herself and also selling. She shared stories of women and men who had tried the product not only for weight loss but also for health issues such as rheumatoid arthritis, Irritable Bowl Syndrome, Multiple Sclerosis, and a variety of other health issues too.  At first I was skeptical because; You know it's a "Weight Loss" supplement and do those really get to the heart of weight loss? I watched her own journey and those of others on her page and I also would YouTube videos about this product. I was also interested in the business aspect of the product and felt that if it could help myself, friends, family and anyone else, then I could Definitely be apart of something that made me feel good. Each time I would find reasons not to try it, or put money into it, I also kept getting this "Still small voice" within myself that said that I might be able to benefit from this product not only in terms of my weight, and health but also financially as well.
After a few months of thinking, ignoring that voice within and ultimate desperation to try something different I signed up to become a Plexus Ambassador with the company. To try the product and share My journey and my hope is that it will help me and others along my path as well!
Here's the thing though, I learned from Mind Body Fit Club: I still need to address the emotional issues of overeating, why I turn to food when I am: happy, sad, mad or any emotion you can think of. Good clean meals are what your body needs, with or without supplements, however, maybe some of us need a little boost to help us a long the way and I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point, being the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
 Plexus is a natural way to get rid of all the crap it's been put through, whether that is from stress, overeating, or even just natural health problems, and I like that about Plexus already! I like the fact that those who have some severe health issues can take it with doctor approval, and benefit from it. I also like the fact that even those that feel they are somewhat healthy in their exercise and diet are also benefitting from it too!
For generations obesity has plagued both sides of my family I would say and if there is something in this crazy world that can help with my depression, kidney disease and weight loss: I need to at least try it out and see how it works for MY BODY. That's the thing we all need to figure out a way to see what works for our own bodies! I hope that you watch my journey, with an open mind as questions and hopefully start to get healthy right along with me!!! If you have questions about obtaining Plexus Slim please feel free to go to: Starr's Plexus Journey

Love and Light,
Starr

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Mr. and Miss Color Bugs

As I sit and watch my two darling children color up a storm out on the patio on bright hot pink note paper, I am reminded at how wonderful it is to watch them grow, learn and navigate the world around them. As a mom I find myself focusing too much on the dirty dishes, laundry and floors, however, what I have come to realize is that like any good thing in life we must be willing to focus on the "little" things or in my case; The "little" people. Their smiles, laughter, tantrums and blooming language skills are at times fascinating and other times frustrating. I find all that they do fascinating because they are "mine," and I feel extremely privileged to hear them call me mommy. The fact that my daughter often times walks more on her tip toes than by any other means makes me smile at the fact that soon she will be a ballerina in all that she does, and I find that to be extremely exciting. Let's not forget about my little gentleman, whom from the moment he wakes in the morning to the last yawn at night looks at the world with such joy, awestruck wonder and curiosity. I'm just a mom, whose world revolves around two little people, whom without, I wouldn't be the same woman I am today. When I focus on my gift of having two little one's rather than all the things in the house that need to be done, I find I am more centered on what really matters most: Raising two beautiful children of God, whom only have a short stay in our home and I pray I can teach them how to navigate this mortal life with the proper tools needed to be confident, loving and righteous adults who follow the paths that God has set out for their lives. I hope hot pink paper colored with the imaginations of their hearts spread throughout my walls for the rest of my life.