A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.

Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.

She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.

Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.

My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

At a stand still...

Well, I knew the journey through health discovery would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard! With physical awareness comes emotional awareness, and the two are obviously related! Old habits are truly hard to break! With marijuana I just put it down and never picked it back up again! With food, it's a little bit more challenging! I have to eat to survive, it's not like I can just never pick up food again. Along the way to my healthy lifestyle, I have truly discovered that I am a compulsive eater. My mentor says that I don't want to put labels on myself, because it can train my brain to think that way, but I have to put a label on it right now at this moment, because I was trying so hard to eat right, excercise right and change everything about my health that something inside me went off that said: "uh, wait just a dog gone minute here" I have a choice in this. Though I have not turned to fast food yet, I have turned to eating patterns that have been there my entire life. Turning to Heavenly Father for help has been my strongest comfort in my life. I know that he sees all that I do in secret, and eating in secret has been one of my patterns, I don't want people to know that I am eating what I am not supposed to be eating, so I hide it. I can't hide from myself or my health anymore. I do have a choice to hide, but I don't want to hide anymore. When I went to my last Kidney specialist appointment it really set me off into an old pattern. When I leave the kidney specialist I go away feeling sick, and helpless. What can I do to change my kidney disease? I turn into a victim. I fell into that trap. It made me sad, my kidney disease makes me very sad. It hurts so bad to know that at 30 years old, I have 40% kidney function, and that I could be facing kidney dialysis in my near future, it makes me extremely sad sometimes, and I fall into what makes me feel better: Food. I don't have drugs, alcohol or anything else like that anymore so I turn to the one thing that I do know I have, that is food. Though I haven't turned to fast food, I am turning to large portion sized food. I am aware of my behavior. That is the first step as De'anna would say. BUT, how do I turn that awareness into action? How do I move out of that trap that I am pitting myself in? I don't know right now. I keep journaling, that is helping. READING MY SCRIPTURES is definately a huge help! I mean, if there is one way to get your own thoughts to stop for a moment it is to read the scriptures outloud! The healing process is very painful for me. Knowing that I am a compulsive overeater feels so shameful, it feels like a battle that I have never been willing to face, and now that I am ready, I am terrified that I will fail. I don't want to fail. Myself, my husband and my daughter deserve a woman that takes care of herself, loves herself and that can control herself. I think about all those people in this world that don't have food, and when I overeat, I KNOW that I am a contributing factor in their hunger. (If we look at the big picture, I am not getting down on myself, but I do care about other's that are without food, water and shelter.) It's so difficult for me to move from "knowing" to "acting" in all areas of my life. I have to explore this part of myself, because if I don't I will spend a lot of wasted time with my thoughts and never enough time making a difference. I was born to make a difference, that much I do know. What is my relationship to food and my emotions that is so powerful? I don't know, I have to figure that out. I am a whole person, not just my body! My body does not make me who I am, but when I wake up in the morning and I am in pain from being overweight I start to get down on myself, and it is a constant battle to keep myself at point that isn't destructive self talk. I have to be the one to figure out what's underneath the food! My husband is such a great person, he is so supportive to this process, and honestly I haven't had someone like that in my life that allows me to just work through what I need to work through, and says, okay, what do you need? I love him for that, and he is a wonderful friend to turn to when I feel down about myself. He is truly a best friend. I am just in one of those places right now that I have to work through, and sometimes it hurts alot. Sometimes my courage goes right out the window and I don't know what to do! My fear consumes me, and my courage weans. My faith has helped me work through many self worth issues in the three years I have been a member. Little things will come my direction that I know are meant for me, and they are from Heavenly Father letting me know that he loves me for who I am NOW, and who he knows I will become. I know that a mighty change in lifestyle and a mighty change in heart will change my life forever. That much I do know, because Heavenly Father has promised it to me. I just don't know how to make the change, but I can start slowly, with one thing at a time. The women in my family are not very kind to themselves. I don't think we have been for a very long time. I know that I don't want to keep carrying that chain around with me, nor do I want LillyRose to carry that chain. I want her to know that it's okay to take care of her own needs, and that often times when we do that first the rest will follow. We "paseka" women are stubborn and feel it nessesary to "save everyone else but ourselves." At least in my opinon. I have been working through a lot this last week, trying to really uncover the issues that I have been facing inside myself. And sometimes, no one else can help you through those issues. Only you can bring them to the surface, so other's can give you tools to deal with whatever issues you may have. That's where I am at right now. I have grown so much, and each day I will continue to grow with Heavenly Father's help. As long as I water the seed that was planted, I will not stand still but my "trunk" will be stable and my branches will sway with the wind. That is the type of person I want to be.

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