A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.

Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.

She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.

Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.

My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

More precious than rubies.

I am more precious than rubies. I am a beautiful daughter of God. I have value and worth. I am a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am compassionate, caring and kind. I find the good in all people, and look for things of good report. I have come a long way in a short amount of time, and only God can be the one to know what is truly inside my heart. I deserve to take care of myself because I am worth taking care of. I have the right to freedom, change and choice. The things on this earth that are important to me include my family (immediate, and extended), church, and the temple. I am not the same woman I was 3 years ago. I am better. If I wasn't then Christ would not be working in me, and through me. A true change of heart comes from Christ and his teachings. We can talk with our mouths, and say that we love God, but when our actions don't reflect that love, what do we do then? We repent and let God work in our lives. My actions have shown that I have been touched by Christ, and his example, and I have changed my life around. I am example that Christ, and Heavenly Father would be proud of today. I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. What I do claim, is that I do my best to do what I think is right for me and those I love. This does not make me selfish, unkind or compassionless. I am quite the opposite in fact. I care very much about the world, and especially about those I love and hold dear to my heart. I am but one person, and one person CAN make a difference in another's person's life, however, with that said. I am also only ONE person, who has her own wants, needs and life. Sometimes I care way too much, and don't let go enough to let God do the work that needs to be done. God's will in my life is up to me to figure out. God didn't DESIGN me to only care about myself. Being selfish means that I am only concerned with my own interest, benefits and welfare; I am not this person. I am generous, giving and loving. More often than not I am in the service of others, on many given occasions. Now, since my world consist of more than a few people in my life, that means that I am GIVING to more than a few people on different occasions. Who's to say that one person in my life didn't require more love than another? Who is the judge of that, but I? Love is a way that we express our care, concern and deep relation to another person, right? Love is what is in our HEART, not what we say but how we act and what we do. I would like to consider myself a follower of Paul. Paul did many things in the sight of the Lord that I am sure truly make Heavenly Father feel sad. However, Paul also turned his life around, and became a mighty leader, that dedicated his life to God, and Christ. My life today is a reflection of that change, and only God sees the true intentions of my heart. My health does not only mean that I am taking care of my body, it means that I am taking care of my mind, and spirit as well. I deserve to be treated with love, and kindness too. Let us remember: Ephesians 6:12--For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkeness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

At a stand still...

Well, I knew the journey through health discovery would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard! With physical awareness comes emotional awareness, and the two are obviously related! Old habits are truly hard to break! With marijuana I just put it down and never picked it back up again! With food, it's a little bit more challenging! I have to eat to survive, it's not like I can just never pick up food again. Along the way to my healthy lifestyle, I have truly discovered that I am a compulsive eater. My mentor says that I don't want to put labels on myself, because it can train my brain to think that way, but I have to put a label on it right now at this moment, because I was trying so hard to eat right, excercise right and change everything about my health that something inside me went off that said: "uh, wait just a dog gone minute here" I have a choice in this. Though I have not turned to fast food yet, I have turned to eating patterns that have been there my entire life. Turning to Heavenly Father for help has been my strongest comfort in my life. I know that he sees all that I do in secret, and eating in secret has been one of my patterns, I don't want people to know that I am eating what I am not supposed to be eating, so I hide it. I can't hide from myself or my health anymore. I do have a choice to hide, but I don't want to hide anymore. When I went to my last Kidney specialist appointment it really set me off into an old pattern. When I leave the kidney specialist I go away feeling sick, and helpless. What can I do to change my kidney disease? I turn into a victim. I fell into that trap. It made me sad, my kidney disease makes me very sad. It hurts so bad to know that at 30 years old, I have 40% kidney function, and that I could be facing kidney dialysis in my near future, it makes me extremely sad sometimes, and I fall into what makes me feel better: Food. I don't have drugs, alcohol or anything else like that anymore so I turn to the one thing that I do know I have, that is food. Though I haven't turned to fast food, I am turning to large portion sized food. I am aware of my behavior. That is the first step as De'anna would say. BUT, how do I turn that awareness into action? How do I move out of that trap that I am pitting myself in? I don't know right now. I keep journaling, that is helping. READING MY SCRIPTURES is definately a huge help! I mean, if there is one way to get your own thoughts to stop for a moment it is to read the scriptures outloud! The healing process is very painful for me. Knowing that I am a compulsive overeater feels so shameful, it feels like a battle that I have never been willing to face, and now that I am ready, I am terrified that I will fail. I don't want to fail. Myself, my husband and my daughter deserve a woman that takes care of herself, loves herself and that can control herself. I think about all those people in this world that don't have food, and when I overeat, I KNOW that I am a contributing factor in their hunger. (If we look at the big picture, I am not getting down on myself, but I do care about other's that are without food, water and shelter.) It's so difficult for me to move from "knowing" to "acting" in all areas of my life. I have to explore this part of myself, because if I don't I will spend a lot of wasted time with my thoughts and never enough time making a difference. I was born to make a difference, that much I do know. What is my relationship to food and my emotions that is so powerful? I don't know, I have to figure that out. I am a whole person, not just my body! My body does not make me who I am, but when I wake up in the morning and I am in pain from being overweight I start to get down on myself, and it is a constant battle to keep myself at point that isn't destructive self talk. I have to be the one to figure out what's underneath the food! My husband is such a great person, he is so supportive to this process, and honestly I haven't had someone like that in my life that allows me to just work through what I need to work through, and says, okay, what do you need? I love him for that, and he is a wonderful friend to turn to when I feel down about myself. He is truly a best friend. I am just in one of those places right now that I have to work through, and sometimes it hurts alot. Sometimes my courage goes right out the window and I don't know what to do! My fear consumes me, and my courage weans. My faith has helped me work through many self worth issues in the three years I have been a member. Little things will come my direction that I know are meant for me, and they are from Heavenly Father letting me know that he loves me for who I am NOW, and who he knows I will become. I know that a mighty change in lifestyle and a mighty change in heart will change my life forever. That much I do know, because Heavenly Father has promised it to me. I just don't know how to make the change, but I can start slowly, with one thing at a time. The women in my family are not very kind to themselves. I don't think we have been for a very long time. I know that I don't want to keep carrying that chain around with me, nor do I want LillyRose to carry that chain. I want her to know that it's okay to take care of her own needs, and that often times when we do that first the rest will follow. We "paseka" women are stubborn and feel it nessesary to "save everyone else but ourselves." At least in my opinon. I have been working through a lot this last week, trying to really uncover the issues that I have been facing inside myself. And sometimes, no one else can help you through those issues. Only you can bring them to the surface, so other's can give you tools to deal with whatever issues you may have. That's where I am at right now. I have grown so much, and each day I will continue to grow with Heavenly Father's help. As long as I water the seed that was planted, I will not stand still but my "trunk" will be stable and my branches will sway with the wind. That is the type of person I want to be.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Emotional Jumbalaya

So the dish jumbalaya, is a mixture of lots of rich, hearty, and spicy goodness; and that is just about how my heart feels today. I don't know if it's me facing so many things at once, or if it's just because I realize that I am a different person now, I am not quite sure. I do know that I am feeling quite "mixed" up if you will. See, I am this brand new person, right? However, I still have all these "old" thoughts pop into my head from the past, about all the things I did wrong, or people I just shouldn't of had in my life and sometimes these thoughts get me to the point of no return. I need to forgive myself for the things in my life that are gone. All the people that have done me wrong and gone, have forgotten about me, and leave it in the dirt, right? But, because I am such a "thinker" as my dad calls it, I just don't seem to do it that easily. How do I begin to live in the present? That is my question? How do I get out of this "jumbalaya" emotional mix up? I guess, it's like anything else I have gotten myself out of. One day at a time, and try to remember that I am a slow person. I don't adapt to change easily. Do I really want to face all the things in my past? No, I don't. But I am getting to a point in my life, that it is hindering my progress, if I don't. Do I really want to face that old emotional baggage that weighs me down both emotionally and physically? No, I don't. Let's talk about self sabotage here. Deep down, I don't even know what it is, but surface wise, I do. It's when you know you are doing something bad for yourself, but you do it anyways, something along those lines, right? Sometimes, when I think outloud I start to ramble alot, so pay no mind if I make absolutely no sense at all. lol. I thought I learned my lesson in patience with my daughter, but I guess I didn't, because I don't realize that my health is a process that is going to take a long time to recover. right? process, process, process...Is exactly what my brain does, ALL THE TIME now. lol. it's okay to be on the journey, as long as I am on it and moving forward.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Change over time.

I have begun to wonder why change is such a difficult task for me? Or rather why creating new habits, and healthy habits are difficult to me? Maybe it's because I am not used to it? Yesterday as I was walking with Cameron, we were down the hill and he said lets walk a little farther? My body screamed: "um, NO" Then my other half said, you can do it. So I did it. Then LillyRose wanted to be fed, so we stopped for a moment to feed her, and I raised my hands above my head and started in about my not so good feeling body. I started to become aware of what I had done to my own body! The lack of excercise, eating unhealthy foods, thinking unhealthy thoughts, and putting unhealthy toxins into my body! Learning to reprogram my thoughts and habits is a very difficult task to accomplish! When I was getting sober from marijuana, it was different. I just put it down and never picked it back up again. With food, it's not like I am never going to eat again. I have to completely change my habits. The food that I buy has to be different. Shopping actually takes more time because I have to read the ingrediants in the food that I buy! I think I realized I was going to fast the other day when I was starting to feel deprived. The only thing I could think about was unhealthy foods. I have been doing a good job and I was being too hard on myself.  I wanted to keep myself accountable for my actions, but also not be so harsh on myself for eating 150 calorie ice cream bar. When before this little journey, I set out on, I would have bought whatever I wanted. I guess I need to realize that it is going to take time to get the results that I want Which, speaking of that. What do I want? I want to be happy. Which in a lot of respects, I am happy. I have things in my life that I never thought I would have. I have a wonderful husband that loves me for who I am, he supports me in my adventures, he makes me laugh, and he is my best friend. He can tell me anything, and I can tell him anything. I am happy because I have a beautiful daughter, that makes me laugh with the littlest things! Her smile. Or if she farts and she laughs with it, I think that is the cutest thing ever! lol! When I hold her in my arms at night as she sleeps, I stare at her and realize that I am holding a miracle from Heavenly Father in my hands. Often times, I find myself wishing that I would have named her Miracle. Between her father and her, they have brought me so much joy. I have joy because of the new relationship that I have with my dad and mom. Over the past three years, I have seen answered prayers in my life. This makes me happy. I have made choices in my life that increase my happines. The second thing I want in my life is my health! Since, I was a kid I have realized that my health was a big part of my life. Going to the doctor all the time for my kidney problems, I think I realized that I had no "control" over that part of my life. There were a lot of things I felt I had no control. I told myself, I had no control over this. However the reality is, that I do have control over my own body. Because I told myself I didn't have any control over my body, I took that for the excuse to not take care of myself. I mean, yes of course I have childhood "things" that I learned and was taught, but I also took that as an excuse not to take care of myself. The truth was I learned things that were good for me, but I wasn't ready to figure it out, I am ready to do it now! Taking care of myself is a new habit, and its as easy as breathing. Without my health, I can't live a truly fulfilling life, and I want to live that for myself and my daughter! I want to be a FIT chick! I deserve to be one! For today, one step at a time, that's what it takes to becoming the woman I want to be. Staying focused! Hope everyone has a great week! Take Care Ya'll!!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Breaking the chains

The fourth of July is one of my FAVORITE time of the year. I love to celebrate the freedom that I have in this wonderful country that we live in. I love to think about those people that have died for our freedoms. It is a wonderful feeling to know that we live in a land where we have so much. We are greatly blessed in this land. I think the most precious thing we have in this land is that it is founded upon our God. This time of year always makes me think about how many opportunities available to me. Am I taking advantage of those opportunities? As the day started, the busy day was progressing, I started to feel the old familiar feeling of, I don't want to be healthy on this day feeling. I want to enjoy the carnival food that is ever so unhealthy for me. And even though I was preparing our lunches, healthy snacks, and water for drinking, I still felt that old familiar feeling, smells, sounds and sights of the carnival. I LOVE carnival food. It's always been a happy time for me. I think I have felt a freedom when I go to a fair or carnival. I think in my life it was a time that I was able to be a kid. And my dad loved the carnival so he was happy too. Which was important to me. In my head and heart I was focused on remaining steadfast to my goals, and good desires. However, deep down I also felt like I want to succumb to the smells around me. I didn't realize this about myself, until I walked through it while being very aware of how unhealthy it is for me. I think also having my sister with me, was "helping" me into wanting it more and more. I think I was using my sister as an excuse to fall into that trap. The sandwich I made of whole grain, fresh veggies, and 3 oz of chicken just didn't taste as good to me, as it did the day before. I wasn't even aware of these feelings until two days later. wow. My husband was being so supportive to me, and I took that support as judgment. My emotions were in control. Today, I have a new perspective. I didn't succumb. But I didn't get angry about it. Why? I don't know. I am evaluating these feelings currently. I am evaluating why not getting what I want makes me angry, and self destructive. I don't know the answer to that question. I am willing to find out though. Even though I know it will hurt to figure those things out. I will have to step outside of my comfort zones. In more ways than one. Anger kept me from succumbing, but not a positive feeling, and I want to change that about myself. I know this is a process, and sometimes it's not going to be the most comfortable process, but like I said before, it is my job to step outside of my comfort zones. It is my job to break the chains of obesity. It is my responsibility to change the future for myself and LillyRose. I should feel uncomfortable. I should indulge in more healthy things in life, and for me that is going to feel "weird" because I am not used to feeling it. My hope is that LillyRose will feel used to feeling healthy. That is my prayer. Daily, as I try to work on physical, emotional and spiritual self I realize that I am used to stress. And this stress had weighed me down for long enough. Each day, I try to give my weight to the savior, and apply the atonement to my life. And each time I do this I feel lighter about my life, my weight and who I am. God does not create ugly things. I know that I am sent here to fulfill a purpose. I have to focus on this purpose each day. It is okay for me to have goals, desires, and achievements. It is okay for me to have a healthy and happy life. Another day in the Journey has given me more to think about. Satan wants us to be numb. And for a while I was content to not feel or think for myself. However, I am no longer willing to participate in that cycle. I am willing to figure out what is healthy for me though. I willing to take care of myself. I am willing to go where God wants me to go. With that said, LillyRose is finally asleep and I need to fold some more laundry. A day in the life. lol.