A face without freckles is like a night without stars...

Starr is me, I am her, and she is I. She is so much more than she thinks she is. If you asked her, she would say she is just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. However, she has been told many times, that she is more than that. Her loving Heavenly Father reminds her all the time, that she has gifts and talents to share with the world, and that like unto her name, she should let them so shine before others, that they may light the day, like the stars light the night. She is passionate, loyal, and gentle all at the same time.

Often when people see her they don't see a gentle, quiet and fragile woman; however, they are wrong. Deep down inside that's who she is, and only those who are truly looking, will see who she really is. If you happen to make it through her exosphere, consider yourself to be a blessed individual. Not many make it there, but when they do, they have a permanent place. Her caring ways, allow her to see things in the world a bit differently than others, unique to a fault.

She truly sees through a darkened glass, and can see beyond the darkness, and find hope throughout the world. Beyond her large, thick exterior are gems within her that are priceless, that are only valued on a spiritual level. Buried within the layers of her atmosphere are different pieces of her puzzle, and even she has yet to put all of the pieces into place. May you enjoy each piece she writes; they truly are the picture into her puzzle.

My Children

I am the mama of two all encompassing children, who own every ounce of my heart and soul, even the part their dad holds onto gets kicked out at times when one of the two does something magical to melt my heart. LillyRose is our precious big girl now, who is a whopping 6 years old! From the moment she wakes in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night in one way or another she reminds us that she holds a status the rest of us don't: Miss Diva Wildfire. Her independent nature, and natural ability to question the world around her has given her the actual gift of life, as every family member knew when she was born at 2lbs 6oz, a fighter since the day she was born.

Our son Abraham Jr. is our love bug. He has eyes that melt every inch of any woman's soul, Look out Ladies! At 5 years old, he is such a smarty pants and I LOVE it! His father recently said he had a genius on his hands, I didn't dispute him or his shining pride I felt emanating from his smile. My son is like the coals beneath a beautiful fire, and often times these parts of his personality help me through my days and "ignite my own fires within myself." Like his sister he too came into this world a fighter at 3lbs 6oz, and his tantrums prove to us that life wouldn't be as interesting without him.

My Children "run" the show, even though we would never admit that to them! That would result in utter defeat in our battle of parenthood. Our days revolve around their schedules, routines, likes, dislikes and even the amount of dishes in the sink when mommy has friends over! My oh my! ;) Together they make up the valves within our hearts, and are the blood circulating through our veins. We are extremely blessed to be their parents and though parenthood has tested us in ways we never imagined, I know we'd be lost without it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Count your many blessings, name them one by one.

I just read a story about a heroic adventure of a group full of young women that were in a serious car accident on their way to the church event Especially for Youth, where some escaped with their lives, and others were badly hurt. During their 6-7 hour ordeal they did things like sing a church hymn "Count your Many Blessings," During a moment in their lives that could have destroyed them, they found ways to thank God for the things that they did have. One girl's feet were pinned, and the only way she could keep her feet warm, was to place her feet inbetween a purse that happen to be under the seat. What a strong young women, full of hope and bright shining faith! As I read this article I began to cry, I felt for the girls, their families and everything that they had faced, what an extreme amount of courage that each of these young women had. I began to look around me at all the things in my life that are so very important to me, as I began to look at LillyRose, the flood gates opened and I began to be extremely thankful for the miracle that God has placed in my life. LillyRose is such a blessing in my life and as she grows, I can only pray that as I raise her that she may be like unto these young women that showed such steadfastness in a time of trial and tribulation. My heart ponders and questions why these type of things have to happen to such young, and wonderful kids? I have to spend some time with God to be able to understand the answer to my questions. I think in order to understand trials such as these, much time is needed to quietly hear what the spirit says about tribulation, and understanding life on earth, and life to come in the celestial kingdom. Reading this article touched my spirit and the Holy Ghost testified to me that life may bring us hard times, and we may not understand why, but if we trust in God....We will know the answer to our questions.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Innocent Angels

Children are innocent angels and an image that I saw on facebook via one of my friends, continues to disturb my senses and gives me heartache. The picture looked so real, I thought she took it with her own camera, and I still can't believe that something like this would happen, but the fact is, I think it happens all the time! It was a picture of a dead newborn laying in a gutter with the umbilical cord and placenta still attached to the baby, and I can't believe that something like this would ever happen! What is wrong with the world? And it's supposed to get worse than this? How can our world possibly get worse than this? Where life is so under valued and an innocent child is left to rot in a gutter, surrounded by filth and garbage, never to be loved, nurtured or grow to become what God designed? Whenever I see images like this it always makes me question the amount of hope I have left in people of this earth? It makes my heart ache to think that a woman could do this, just leave her child to rot in a gutter? That a woman could be so broken that she doesn't even value the life an innocent child enough to place it somewhere that deserves dignity and respect? And even if the child was dead when it was born that she couldn't take it to a place that would properly give the child the burial it deserves? I will never understand the thought processes that go through women's head's that do these types of things? I mean they are obviously sick, they have to be do to something like this. My prayers will be vigilent tonight.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What's up with Starr Bar

Well, my little LillyRose is now seven months old and time has gone by so fast and the holiday season is upon me. Every month as I was LillyRose grow, I think about how much she will learn, and how much I will teach her as time goes by. Right now she is learning how to roll over, wiggle around the living room, pick things up with both her hands, put anything in her mouth that she can get her hands on, she recognizes mommy and daddy, I think she is starting to realize when we leave and enter the room. She is such a quiet and content baby. The last few days have been a challenge because her sleep patterns have been a little off, but that could be because I have been putting her to bed to late without realizing it. I am pretty sure that she is teething since she chomps on my finger like it's a four course meal. I am also learning a lot about my own health and body through LillyRose, because I have to pay attention to what she needs, I am also paying attention to things that I need, like a sleep schedule. I have always suffered from insomnia since I was a teenager, but I never realized how much it affected my sleep habits, until I had LillyRose. My habits surrounding sleep are being evaluated because of her, which is good for me and good for our family. I think our biggest issue is actually daddy, laughing out loud, and the weekends. Our little one bedroom apartment seems to be getting too small but I think it's just the fact that we are growing, but I was reading in Daughter's in My Kingdom, and it said that Emma Smith lived in a two bedroom home where eleven people also lived and I thought to myself, if she can handle that, I can handle our tiny one bedroom, with the three of us. :) Mommy University has been quite interesting so far in the last seven months. I have enjoyed it very much. I am not sure if daddy has enjoyed the last couple of rough nights, but he has seemed to cope decently thus far. I have recently started seeing a counselor for some tools to deal with my "trust issues" as my husband calls them. (So true, but I don't want to admit it.) Again, laughing out loud. My physical health has taken a back seat in my mind for some reason, maybe not wanting to face certain things about it, I guess you could say, but deep down I always think about it, one way or another. My physical, mental and emotional self is a little bit stressed out, but overall I am coping well with the everyday issues that life hands me. As the season changes, I find myself thinking about how much my life has also changed in the last couple of years, and how I have dealt with that change, I think I internalize it far more than I used to, that is one thing that has really changed about me. I sued to be able to talk about how I felt fairly easy, but not so much anymore, I am far more analytical than I used to be. In some ways this is useful and in other ways, not so much because I don't always express my feelings when I should. Anyways, it had been a while since I blogged, but I just wanted to update my blog and write for a little bit.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Time goes by...

I wish that I had the ability to time travel and see what the future holds sometimes, because sometimes it would be easier to know just exactly what happens. Today is just another one of those days that I have had the past couple of weeks, where I don't quite feel like myself, and I don't have the tolerance, or patience for all the small things in life that I used to have the tolerence for. One thing I have learned about myself in the last few years, is that I am really bad at taking care of myself at times, especially during times when I feel like other people need me or want me. The past couple of weeks, I haven't taken very good care or myself or my own immediate family, and it took me to the point of acutally being awake for almost 24 hours to realize that no matter what is going on around me, I need to take time for myself. The reason I started this blog was to focus more on my total health and I know I haven't done that because the last time I wrote anything on here was a very long time ago. There are times in my life that I just don't quite know what to do with myself. I have been an up and down person pretty much my entire life, and sometimes it gets exhausting. I haven't been on my phone call in weeks, I haven't listened to my CD's in weeks, I haven't journaled in weeks. I havne't been doing all the things I know I should be doing. Sometimes I don't know how to express what I am feeling, most of the time what I am feeling feeds from other people's emotions. Emotionally, I am all mixed up inside about several different issues in my life. Spiritually, I feel as though satan has been tempting me for far too long since we have been sealed in the temple. Physically, I have been struggling to get my body moving more, eating healthy things again and I know all of the these factors play a part in how I am feeling all together. I love my family so much. I just don't have it in me all the time to be everything to everyone. People KNOW I am doing for one person and then get mad when I don't DO EXACTLY that thing for them. I don't know sometimes life just baffles me. Today I trying to work on the taking care of me thing, sometimes it comes out grumpy.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm trippin...

It's been awhile since I have been able to journal online. Maybe that is because I have actually been avoiding journaling because when I do, I uncover things about myself that I don't nessesarily want to face. I have never been great about facing things that are hard to think about. Especially when it comes to matters of family. When I face family issues, these issues are the absolutely things that trouble my soul in the worst way! My thoughts toward my family affect me emotionally in a way that creates a physical response for me. And that physical response will start a pattern of avoidance in me. That is something that I have to work through. What is avoidance anyways? Is this even the correct emotion? I have to figure that out. I know that I have been stuffing emotions lately, and I am not totally sure what it's about, and I can blame other people, however, really it's about me and my own emotions. Working through the emotions is what I need to focus on. And right now I can't focus on my writing. So I will be back later, gator. :)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

More precious than rubies.

I am more precious than rubies. I am a beautiful daughter of God. I have value and worth. I am a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am compassionate, caring and kind. I find the good in all people, and look for things of good report. I have come a long way in a short amount of time, and only God can be the one to know what is truly inside my heart. I deserve to take care of myself because I am worth taking care of. I have the right to freedom, change and choice. The things on this earth that are important to me include my family (immediate, and extended), church, and the temple. I am not the same woman I was 3 years ago. I am better. If I wasn't then Christ would not be working in me, and through me. A true change of heart comes from Christ and his teachings. We can talk with our mouths, and say that we love God, but when our actions don't reflect that love, what do we do then? We repent and let God work in our lives. My actions have shown that I have been touched by Christ, and his example, and I have changed my life around. I am example that Christ, and Heavenly Father would be proud of today. I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. What I do claim, is that I do my best to do what I think is right for me and those I love. This does not make me selfish, unkind or compassionless. I am quite the opposite in fact. I care very much about the world, and especially about those I love and hold dear to my heart. I am but one person, and one person CAN make a difference in another's person's life, however, with that said. I am also only ONE person, who has her own wants, needs and life. Sometimes I care way too much, and don't let go enough to let God do the work that needs to be done. God's will in my life is up to me to figure out. God didn't DESIGN me to only care about myself. Being selfish means that I am only concerned with my own interest, benefits and welfare; I am not this person. I am generous, giving and loving. More often than not I am in the service of others, on many given occasions. Now, since my world consist of more than a few people in my life, that means that I am GIVING to more than a few people on different occasions. Who's to say that one person in my life didn't require more love than another? Who is the judge of that, but I? Love is a way that we express our care, concern and deep relation to another person, right? Love is what is in our HEART, not what we say but how we act and what we do. I would like to consider myself a follower of Paul. Paul did many things in the sight of the Lord that I am sure truly make Heavenly Father feel sad. However, Paul also turned his life around, and became a mighty leader, that dedicated his life to God, and Christ. My life today is a reflection of that change, and only God sees the true intentions of my heart. My health does not only mean that I am taking care of my body, it means that I am taking care of my mind, and spirit as well. I deserve to be treated with love, and kindness too. Let us remember: Ephesians 6:12--For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkeness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

At a stand still...

Well, I knew the journey through health discovery would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard! With physical awareness comes emotional awareness, and the two are obviously related! Old habits are truly hard to break! With marijuana I just put it down and never picked it back up again! With food, it's a little bit more challenging! I have to eat to survive, it's not like I can just never pick up food again. Along the way to my healthy lifestyle, I have truly discovered that I am a compulsive eater. My mentor says that I don't want to put labels on myself, because it can train my brain to think that way, but I have to put a label on it right now at this moment, because I was trying so hard to eat right, excercise right and change everything about my health that something inside me went off that said: "uh, wait just a dog gone minute here" I have a choice in this. Though I have not turned to fast food yet, I have turned to eating patterns that have been there my entire life. Turning to Heavenly Father for help has been my strongest comfort in my life. I know that he sees all that I do in secret, and eating in secret has been one of my patterns, I don't want people to know that I am eating what I am not supposed to be eating, so I hide it. I can't hide from myself or my health anymore. I do have a choice to hide, but I don't want to hide anymore. When I went to my last Kidney specialist appointment it really set me off into an old pattern. When I leave the kidney specialist I go away feeling sick, and helpless. What can I do to change my kidney disease? I turn into a victim. I fell into that trap. It made me sad, my kidney disease makes me very sad. It hurts so bad to know that at 30 years old, I have 40% kidney function, and that I could be facing kidney dialysis in my near future, it makes me extremely sad sometimes, and I fall into what makes me feel better: Food. I don't have drugs, alcohol or anything else like that anymore so I turn to the one thing that I do know I have, that is food. Though I haven't turned to fast food, I am turning to large portion sized food. I am aware of my behavior. That is the first step as De'anna would say. BUT, how do I turn that awareness into action? How do I move out of that trap that I am pitting myself in? I don't know right now. I keep journaling, that is helping. READING MY SCRIPTURES is definately a huge help! I mean, if there is one way to get your own thoughts to stop for a moment it is to read the scriptures outloud! The healing process is very painful for me. Knowing that I am a compulsive overeater feels so shameful, it feels like a battle that I have never been willing to face, and now that I am ready, I am terrified that I will fail. I don't want to fail. Myself, my husband and my daughter deserve a woman that takes care of herself, loves herself and that can control herself. I think about all those people in this world that don't have food, and when I overeat, I KNOW that I am a contributing factor in their hunger. (If we look at the big picture, I am not getting down on myself, but I do care about other's that are without food, water and shelter.) It's so difficult for me to move from "knowing" to "acting" in all areas of my life. I have to explore this part of myself, because if I don't I will spend a lot of wasted time with my thoughts and never enough time making a difference. I was born to make a difference, that much I do know. What is my relationship to food and my emotions that is so powerful? I don't know, I have to figure that out. I am a whole person, not just my body! My body does not make me who I am, but when I wake up in the morning and I am in pain from being overweight I start to get down on myself, and it is a constant battle to keep myself at point that isn't destructive self talk. I have to be the one to figure out what's underneath the food! My husband is such a great person, he is so supportive to this process, and honestly I haven't had someone like that in my life that allows me to just work through what I need to work through, and says, okay, what do you need? I love him for that, and he is a wonderful friend to turn to when I feel down about myself. He is truly a best friend. I am just in one of those places right now that I have to work through, and sometimes it hurts alot. Sometimes my courage goes right out the window and I don't know what to do! My fear consumes me, and my courage weans. My faith has helped me work through many self worth issues in the three years I have been a member. Little things will come my direction that I know are meant for me, and they are from Heavenly Father letting me know that he loves me for who I am NOW, and who he knows I will become. I know that a mighty change in lifestyle and a mighty change in heart will change my life forever. That much I do know, because Heavenly Father has promised it to me. I just don't know how to make the change, but I can start slowly, with one thing at a time. The women in my family are not very kind to themselves. I don't think we have been for a very long time. I know that I don't want to keep carrying that chain around with me, nor do I want LillyRose to carry that chain. I want her to know that it's okay to take care of her own needs, and that often times when we do that first the rest will follow. We "paseka" women are stubborn and feel it nessesary to "save everyone else but ourselves." At least in my opinon. I have been working through a lot this last week, trying to really uncover the issues that I have been facing inside myself. And sometimes, no one else can help you through those issues. Only you can bring them to the surface, so other's can give you tools to deal with whatever issues you may have. That's where I am at right now. I have grown so much, and each day I will continue to grow with Heavenly Father's help. As long as I water the seed that was planted, I will not stand still but my "trunk" will be stable and my branches will sway with the wind. That is the type of person I want to be.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Emotional Jumbalaya

So the dish jumbalaya, is a mixture of lots of rich, hearty, and spicy goodness; and that is just about how my heart feels today. I don't know if it's me facing so many things at once, or if it's just because I realize that I am a different person now, I am not quite sure. I do know that I am feeling quite "mixed" up if you will. See, I am this brand new person, right? However, I still have all these "old" thoughts pop into my head from the past, about all the things I did wrong, or people I just shouldn't of had in my life and sometimes these thoughts get me to the point of no return. I need to forgive myself for the things in my life that are gone. All the people that have done me wrong and gone, have forgotten about me, and leave it in the dirt, right? But, because I am such a "thinker" as my dad calls it, I just don't seem to do it that easily. How do I begin to live in the present? That is my question? How do I get out of this "jumbalaya" emotional mix up? I guess, it's like anything else I have gotten myself out of. One day at a time, and try to remember that I am a slow person. I don't adapt to change easily. Do I really want to face all the things in my past? No, I don't. But I am getting to a point in my life, that it is hindering my progress, if I don't. Do I really want to face that old emotional baggage that weighs me down both emotionally and physically? No, I don't. Let's talk about self sabotage here. Deep down, I don't even know what it is, but surface wise, I do. It's when you know you are doing something bad for yourself, but you do it anyways, something along those lines, right? Sometimes, when I think outloud I start to ramble alot, so pay no mind if I make absolutely no sense at all. lol. I thought I learned my lesson in patience with my daughter, but I guess I didn't, because I don't realize that my health is a process that is going to take a long time to recover. right? process, process, process...Is exactly what my brain does, ALL THE TIME now. lol. it's okay to be on the journey, as long as I am on it and moving forward.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Change over time.

I have begun to wonder why change is such a difficult task for me? Or rather why creating new habits, and healthy habits are difficult to me? Maybe it's because I am not used to it? Yesterday as I was walking with Cameron, we were down the hill and he said lets walk a little farther? My body screamed: "um, NO" Then my other half said, you can do it. So I did it. Then LillyRose wanted to be fed, so we stopped for a moment to feed her, and I raised my hands above my head and started in about my not so good feeling body. I started to become aware of what I had done to my own body! The lack of excercise, eating unhealthy foods, thinking unhealthy thoughts, and putting unhealthy toxins into my body! Learning to reprogram my thoughts and habits is a very difficult task to accomplish! When I was getting sober from marijuana, it was different. I just put it down and never picked it back up again. With food, it's not like I am never going to eat again. I have to completely change my habits. The food that I buy has to be different. Shopping actually takes more time because I have to read the ingrediants in the food that I buy! I think I realized I was going to fast the other day when I was starting to feel deprived. The only thing I could think about was unhealthy foods. I have been doing a good job and I was being too hard on myself.  I wanted to keep myself accountable for my actions, but also not be so harsh on myself for eating 150 calorie ice cream bar. When before this little journey, I set out on, I would have bought whatever I wanted. I guess I need to realize that it is going to take time to get the results that I want Which, speaking of that. What do I want? I want to be happy. Which in a lot of respects, I am happy. I have things in my life that I never thought I would have. I have a wonderful husband that loves me for who I am, he supports me in my adventures, he makes me laugh, and he is my best friend. He can tell me anything, and I can tell him anything. I am happy because I have a beautiful daughter, that makes me laugh with the littlest things! Her smile. Or if she farts and she laughs with it, I think that is the cutest thing ever! lol! When I hold her in my arms at night as she sleeps, I stare at her and realize that I am holding a miracle from Heavenly Father in my hands. Often times, I find myself wishing that I would have named her Miracle. Between her father and her, they have brought me so much joy. I have joy because of the new relationship that I have with my dad and mom. Over the past three years, I have seen answered prayers in my life. This makes me happy. I have made choices in my life that increase my happines. The second thing I want in my life is my health! Since, I was a kid I have realized that my health was a big part of my life. Going to the doctor all the time for my kidney problems, I think I realized that I had no "control" over that part of my life. There were a lot of things I felt I had no control. I told myself, I had no control over this. However the reality is, that I do have control over my own body. Because I told myself I didn't have any control over my body, I took that for the excuse to not take care of myself. I mean, yes of course I have childhood "things" that I learned and was taught, but I also took that as an excuse not to take care of myself. The truth was I learned things that were good for me, but I wasn't ready to figure it out, I am ready to do it now! Taking care of myself is a new habit, and its as easy as breathing. Without my health, I can't live a truly fulfilling life, and I want to live that for myself and my daughter! I want to be a FIT chick! I deserve to be one! For today, one step at a time, that's what it takes to becoming the woman I want to be. Staying focused! Hope everyone has a great week! Take Care Ya'll!!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Breaking the chains

The fourth of July is one of my FAVORITE time of the year. I love to celebrate the freedom that I have in this wonderful country that we live in. I love to think about those people that have died for our freedoms. It is a wonderful feeling to know that we live in a land where we have so much. We are greatly blessed in this land. I think the most precious thing we have in this land is that it is founded upon our God. This time of year always makes me think about how many opportunities available to me. Am I taking advantage of those opportunities? As the day started, the busy day was progressing, I started to feel the old familiar feeling of, I don't want to be healthy on this day feeling. I want to enjoy the carnival food that is ever so unhealthy for me. And even though I was preparing our lunches, healthy snacks, and water for drinking, I still felt that old familiar feeling, smells, sounds and sights of the carnival. I LOVE carnival food. It's always been a happy time for me. I think I have felt a freedom when I go to a fair or carnival. I think in my life it was a time that I was able to be a kid. And my dad loved the carnival so he was happy too. Which was important to me. In my head and heart I was focused on remaining steadfast to my goals, and good desires. However, deep down I also felt like I want to succumb to the smells around me. I didn't realize this about myself, until I walked through it while being very aware of how unhealthy it is for me. I think also having my sister with me, was "helping" me into wanting it more and more. I think I was using my sister as an excuse to fall into that trap. The sandwich I made of whole grain, fresh veggies, and 3 oz of chicken just didn't taste as good to me, as it did the day before. I wasn't even aware of these feelings until two days later. wow. My husband was being so supportive to me, and I took that support as judgment. My emotions were in control. Today, I have a new perspective. I didn't succumb. But I didn't get angry about it. Why? I don't know. I am evaluating these feelings currently. I am evaluating why not getting what I want makes me angry, and self destructive. I don't know the answer to that question. I am willing to find out though. Even though I know it will hurt to figure those things out. I will have to step outside of my comfort zones. In more ways than one. Anger kept me from succumbing, but not a positive feeling, and I want to change that about myself. I know this is a process, and sometimes it's not going to be the most comfortable process, but like I said before, it is my job to step outside of my comfort zones. It is my job to break the chains of obesity. It is my responsibility to change the future for myself and LillyRose. I should feel uncomfortable. I should indulge in more healthy things in life, and for me that is going to feel "weird" because I am not used to feeling it. My hope is that LillyRose will feel used to feeling healthy. That is my prayer. Daily, as I try to work on physical, emotional and spiritual self I realize that I am used to stress. And this stress had weighed me down for long enough. Each day, I try to give my weight to the savior, and apply the atonement to my life. And each time I do this I feel lighter about my life, my weight and who I am. God does not create ugly things. I know that I am sent here to fulfill a purpose. I have to focus on this purpose each day. It is okay for me to have goals, desires, and achievements. It is okay for me to have a healthy and happy life. Another day in the Journey has given me more to think about. Satan wants us to be numb. And for a while I was content to not feel or think for myself. However, I am no longer willing to participate in that cycle. I am willing to figure out what is healthy for me though. I willing to take care of myself. I am willing to go where God wants me to go. With that said, LillyRose is finally asleep and I need to fold some more laundry. A day in the life. lol.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Third days a charm?

Well today would be like day three of my "healthy life" and I am really sturggling to excercise to, and honestly yesterday, I think it was Cameron coming with me that motivated me, but today he can't because of his PT test tomorrow and I have to do it on my own. Why is it that I am motivated by other people so much? I don't know, maybe God just designed me that way. Or maybe, I am just used to taking care of everyone else except myself? Why is it so hard for me to just get out there and walk. It's like I dread it in my mind all day long? Even though I know it WILL make me feel better. I know I am tired today from being up since 3:30 this morning after LillyRose woke me up for food, and then projectile vomitted it all over me, and since then, I haven't been able to fall asleep, so that could have to do with not feeling so well. I hope she starts to feel better though, she hasn't kept much of any of her feedings down, only a few ounces. I don't think it's anything to major, but if she keeps on doing it, I may have to take her in to be seen. Maybe I am being to hard on myself? You would think that I would be able to walk 3 days in a row. But I am struggling with it. All of this just feels uncomfortable to me, which I know is good, but at the same time, still feels uncomforable. I was eating comfort foods all the time, so there was no reason to feel uncomfortable. Now,that I don't have that. Well you can follow the logic I guess I have some more things to deal with, and I can't hide behind food anymore. I used to hide behind weed and that has been long gone for three years. Wow, the spirit just spoke to me so clearly, it was literally like an aha moment in the making. Today is the day I was baptized in the church 3 years ago! And satan wants me to feel bad! He doesn't want me to remember all the good that has happened in my life since being a member of the church. wow, I really have been a member for 3 years now, and I don't even know where the time went. My life is so different now. I definately need to get this negative feeling out my head because today satan doesn't win! Gotta go read my Patriarcheal blessing to remind me exactly where I'm headed!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

la resitance...

So yesterday was a little test for me. Am I really committed to taking care of myself? All day, I thought about what it would take to make a better me. I sat and wrote, watched inspirational videos, and thought mostly. However, I wasn't DOING anything. I thought how I should throw all the junk food out of our house, how I should get up and walk, how I should listen to my hypno CD's by Deanna Nunez, how should do this, and should do that. So finally, I put the CD in. Listened. Nothing happened. Then I took a shower. Then I went for a walk, 2 miles. And then I was ready to clear out all the junk in my house related to food, sitting around tempting me. So when I woke this morning, I finally did it. I got rid of all stuff sitting around tempting me to eat unhealthy. And replaced it with stuff that is a better option for me. It feels good to know I actually did it. Now I just have to keep myself motivated throughout the day to do my walk tonight, RAIN or SHINE. We all know how the rain can deter us from putting on our walking shoes. Even though 90% of the time it rains in WA. No longer a good excuse for me anymore. I was struggling yesterday with my new choice to live a healthier lifestyle. Not sure why. It was making more emotional that ever and giving me anxiety, I tried to work through it the best way I could. I failed a few times and ate things that I shouldn't of. Hence, the reason I wanted to get rid of all the junk in the house. Not strong enough to put myself around temptation like that. LillyRose is getting big too, she is 10 pounds now. And growing fast. Cameron is hard at work. And most days works out twice a day, and is really trying hard to pass his PT test. We are enjoying parenthood, even though at times we struggle with it. Our apartment seems too small, but then last night after watching a show one Prophet Monson life, I realized how blessed we are to even have an aparment, and how thankful I am that Cameron is able to provide for us, and has the income that he does. All is well in the land of the Young clan. For today anyhow. I'll let ya know how tomorrow goes. :)

Monday, June 27, 2011

A healthy gem

 This blog is dedicated to becoming a healthier person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I think deep down inside sometimes we all struggle with our identities. Who we are? Where to do we come from? Why we are here? What is our calling in life? Each person has a different path in front of them that will answer these questions. We have past, present and future lives that we have led, are living or have yet to live and the choices we make reflect how we have lived each of these lives. Choices affect all areas of life. Choices we have made in the past do affect our present and future lives. For example, I did not become 293 pounds overnight. (yes, this is a true weight after having my daughter, and while I was pregnant with her I weighed less, so the weight really doesn't have to do with having her.) My weight is a reflection of several things in my life. In my head it is caused by several things: My childhood, my choices and my excuses. It is caused from making bad eating habits. It is caused from making unhealthy lifestyle choices. It is caused from not taking care of Starr. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, and they are right, I am. What I am not, is a healthy person. I have been working on the emotional, and spiritual aspects of my life for about three years now, however, it is time to face the one thing in my life that I have never wanted to face: My physical health. I think that if we really want to tap into emotional and spiritual health we also must tap into our physical lifestyles. (Really easy to write about and really hard to actually put words into motion.) I am the type of person that just doesn't get the realistic side of life very often. I am intuitive, creative and I love to live in a fantasy world. It is a large part of who I am. Unfortunately, this part of me has led me to more excuses than carter has pills, in the words of my dad. I am not trying to put myself down, or be unrealitic about losing weight, because quite honestly, it's real easy to put weight on, however, it's real hard to keep off. It hard to change habits that have been there, probably since I was a child and even knew about weight gain or loss. However, I have known about weight problems since I was a child. Many members of my family have struggled with weight issues. Matter of fact there is just a generational chain of obesity in my family, that quite frankly has not been broken. Whatever the reasons behind the weight, it still has not been broken, and quite honestly I don't want to pass that chain on to my daughter. I am dedicated to my daughter and I want her to understand what living a healthy life feels like. I have carried my weight around long enough, it's time to face the stupid numbers that don't define me. It's time to become a healthy gem.